The “silent treatment” is when a person refuses to communicate with someone because they are angry or upset. It can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse.
The silent treatment may be abusive if one person uses it to control and manipulate the other. For example, a person may use the silent treatment to withhold love or affection until a person does what they want.
This article will discuss the silent treatment, why people use it, and how individuals can respond to it. It also looks at how the silent treatment relates to abuse.
The “silent treatment” is a type of behavior that some people engage in as a way of expressing anger, disapproval, or contempt for someone else. It involves not speaking to them or, in some cases, refusing to acknowledge their existence.
The silent treatment can be intentional or unintentional and may affect any type of relationship, including romantic, platonic, and family relationships. Some examples of this behavior might include someone:
- ignoring their partner due to a disagreement
- refusing to text back after a friend canceled plans
- refusing to pay attention to a child because they misbehaved
The silent treatment is not the same thing as taking a timeout. Timeouts are breaks from a conversation that allow people to calm down and return to a conversation with a clearer mind, which can be helpful in disagreements.
Timeouts require consent from all people involved. The silent treatment, on the other hand, is one-sided and may last any amount of time.
People may use the silent treatment for many reasons, including:
- Communication: Although the silent treatment involves not talking, it still communicates a person’s unhappiness. The person may or may not be aware of this. In some cases, it may be the only socially acceptable way a person knows how to express anger.
- Avoidance: Another possibility is that the person is trying to avoid an argument. They may be afraid of saying something they will regret or of the consequences if they voice their feelings. Instead, they might opt to “bottle up” their feelings.
- Punishment: If a person uses silence to punish someone, to get revenge, or to exert control or power over them, this is a form of emotional abuse.
The silent treatment is usually not a helpful way to handle grievances, even if the intention is to avoid a conflict. It may result in:
- Confusion and misunderstanding: Refusing to talk with someone means they may not understand what is wrong, and it deprives them of the opportunity to find out. This may lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and a lack of communication.
- Stress: Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment may cause anxiety and stress, especially if the person does not know what they have done wrong, cannot tell how angry the person is, or how to make it right.
- Isolation: Refusing to engage with another person, particularly a loved one, may result in isolation for both people. In some cases, people may feel rejected.
- Prolonged conflict: A 2017 study found that partners in romantic relationships who avoided conflict were more likely to continue a dispute because they had not had an opportunity to discuss their feelings.
Over time, the use of the silent treatment may mean people do not resolve deeper issues in their relationship.
Yes, the silent treatment can be a form of abuse. This may be the case if a person:
- intends to hurt or punish another person with their silence
- seeks alliances from others, encouraging them to ignore the person too
- uses silence to manipulate or pressure someone into changing their behavior
- uses silence to make others feel unsure of themselves or to “gaslight” them
- uses the silent treatment toward children or dependents
- is silent for extended periods of time
Other signs of emotional abuse
In addition to the silent treatment, people who engage in emotional abuse
- decide what someone wears, eats, or drinks
- dictate whether someone goes to work or school
- monitor movements or who they spend time with
- demand access to a phone, email account, and other digital information
- take control of their finances and spending
- isolate them from their family and friends
- humiliate them in front of others or on social media
- withhold affection, such as physical contact, as a punishment
- make them doubt their sanity or memories
- use intimidating behavior, threats, or ultimatums to get what they want
- threaten to harm themselves, pets, or loved ones
Over time, emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence.
How a person responds to the silent treatment depends on whether their partner is being abusive.
If the silent treatment does not appear to be a means of punishment or control, a person can try:
Naming the situation
Observe out loud that someone is using the silent treatment. For example, a person can say, “I notice that you are not responding to me.”
Acknowledging their feelings
Acknowledge how the other person feels. For example, a person could say, “I know you are upset with me,” or “I know what I did made you angry.”
This lets them know that their feelings are important and valid.
Asking questions
If the person giving the silent treatment person does not respond, try asking questions that show a willingness to listen and work things out, such as:
- “I care about you, and I want to resolve this. Can we talk?”
- “I want to understand you. Are you willing to tell me what upset you?”
- “What would make this better?”
If they respond, try to stay present and listen without becoming defensive.
Apologizing for words or actions
A person should not apologize or blame themselves for another person’s use of the silent treatment. However, they may need to apologize if they have done something that may have hurt the other person’s feelings.
It is important to note that this does not mean a person has to agree with the other’s interpretation of events. For example, they might say, “I am sorry I used words that hurt you,” even if that hurt was unintentional or accidental. Focus on specific actions and their impact.
Avoiding unhelpful responses
Avoid trying to provoke the person who is silent into speaking. This can escalate the conflict.
Similarly, if a person says they do not want to talk, respect their wishes. Do not try to harass or force them to talk. Sometimes, this may mean walking away, even if it means the issue is unresolved.
If someone is giving the silent treatment, they should consider why they are doing it. It may not achieve what they hope it will. For example, this behavior may:
- extend stress or conflict instead of avoiding it
- show that someone is upset instead of hiding it
- cause further problems, such as misunderstandings or an escalation of the dispute
Instead, people can try other ways of handling negative feelings that come up in relationships. For example, they could try:
- Setting aside time: If a person wants to avoid talking about something when they are upset, they can set aside time to discuss the problem later when the stronger feelings have passed. This means they can avoid talking in the heat of the moment, but also that the other person knows they are not ignoring the issue.
- Planning what to say: It may help some people to have an idea of what they want to say in advance so they do not get off track.
- Using “I” statements: “I” statements can help people describe how they feel without making accusations. For example, a person might start by saying “I felt hurt when you criticized me” or “I felt unimportant when you forgot our date.”
- Setting boundaries: Boundaries are things a person will or will not accept in their life. Explaining boundaries clearly gives other people a better understanding of what upsets someone and how to avoid it. Learn more about setting boundaries.
- Timeouts: If a person feels too upset to talk, they can ask for a timeout. This involves asking the other person if they can take a break, with the assurance that they will return to the issue later.
If a person wants to use the silent treatment to get revenge, cause pain, or manipulate someone, they should speak with a therapist about the feelings that are driving this behavior.
People who have difficulty communicating may benefit from therapy. A therapist can mediate the conversation and teach healthy ways of resolving conflict.
However, therapists and organizations, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline, do not recommend couples counseling for those in abusive relationships.
This is because domestic abuse is not a product of an unhealthy relationship. The issue lies only with the abusive person.
That said, individual therapy for the person experiencing abuse can be useful and help them to cope.
People who worry their relationship contains abusive or controlling elements can contact a support organization for more insights and advice.
People in relationships that have persistent issues with the silent treatment, communication, or conflict may also want to consider contacting a relationship or family therapist.
Anyone who feels that they or their family are in immediate danger from abuse must call 911.
Help is available
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:
- phone, at 800-799-7233
- text, by texting START to 88788
Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. People can find local resources and others classified by demographics, such as support specifically for People of Color, here:
The silent treatment is when a person refuses to communicate with someone because they are angry, upset, or disapprove of them.
It can be intentional or unintentional. When a person uses the silent treatment to control or assert dominance over someone, it is a form of emotional abuse.
The silent treatment is often not a productive way of expressing negative feelings and may prolong a conflict. People who often behave this way may find it beneficial to learn healthy ways of discussing their emotions and addressing problems in their relationships.